I am Weak

 If I was to summarize this post into one sentence, that would be - I'm weak...

I am a simple and lazy person, who usually just does things for fun. Ambitionless, I simply go with the flow and hardly exert any effort for a better tomorrow.

If there was something that motivates me, I guess that's 'to be needed'. Being surrounded by talented people, I long for a place where I am significant. And when I find that place, I find it hard to let go.

That would explain everything I held on to: My friends, YL, SL, Oracle, KoL, clans, orders, my work decisions, and even this blog, among several others.

That would explain why I was happy being in MDM, being praised by my friends and clients, being told that I've helped someone with their problems, knowing I inspired someone. These little things made me feel like I was making a difference; that I found my place; my reason of being. Thinking about it, perhaps this is why I ended 'Yuu Arc' that way...

I have little desire to be praised and awarded. Rather, it could even make me uncomfortable, but I digress...

Why am I weak? Because that very motivation of mine is also my roadblock. I am afraid of leaving the place where I felt needed. That's why I'm afraid to make the decision I clearly have to make.

I was the one who said it, unknowing that it was the very problem I was having, or will be having...

"...when we are uncertain about something, more often than not, we already know what our answer should be. There's just something that's making us hesitant in making our decision. Maybe you're afraid that someone will get hurt, or you'll be outside your comfort zone. You remain undecided because the point you're currently on is your safe zone.

This is why we ask for advice. We often don't really need other peoples' advice. Rather, what we're looking for is that push... The push to the path that we already know we'd take."

The answer is obvious...

    I am just weak...

Graduation

Graduation
I never thought the time would come. But here it is. My college journey's end is just in front of me, waiting for me to walk past it. My life's about to start all over again.

I never thought I'd live through thesis. Always felt like I'd be stuck within one of the hell weeks near the end of the last term. But as all good things must come to an end, the same rule applies to hell weeks. Time does not stop for anything.

Now, I can see the end. The sign which says "End of College" stands beside that part of the road in front of me. Just a few steps away from where the road branches infinitely. Who knows what the future holds in store for me. Do I pick a road now? Or should I take some time preparing myself mentally first.

Maybe, someday, I'll just feel that it's time to take my first step into the unknown. Guess I'll just relax for a while; do some things I've been wanting to do.

That's it for now! Catch ya later! ^^

Wounds of The Heart Special Entry #1

Random Thoughts

I've always thought of myself as different. I looked at myself differently and regarded to myself as special. I know I'm only human, just like the rest. However, I still feel as if the world revolves around me. I've always felt that when I cry, the world stops for me. But it doesn't...

If you cry, you cry alone. That is the sad truth. The world will keep moving no matter what happens to you. Nothing will stop for you for you're only but a speck of dust in the cogwheels of time. We're really pathetic if we think about it. So little that we're just like the wind that passes through.

I've always saw life as something with a happy ending. Every problem I had were solved in the end. Because of that, whenever I had a problem, I just put into my mind that everything will end well. Yes, I know that being optimistic has its benefits. However, what will happen if everything gets slammed into my face? What if the axe suddenly falls? Will I be able to recover, or will I change?

A Thousand Masks

Time to continue my blog again...
But first, let's start off with an opening poem.

A Thousand Masks

I hide behind a thousand masks
Because I don't want you to know.
The fragile and lonely me inside,
I am afraid to show.
I may act fine,
Calm as I may be.
But these masks can never show
The one and only me.

If only there could be someone
To love me as I am.
For though I seem to need no one,
Inside, I'm all alone.
If I can drop all lies,
even if I get left behind.
As long as you can accept me,
I can remove these masks of mine.

One who doesn't need a plastic smile,
To lock away all tears.
One who isn't afraid at all
To admit all his fears.
To just release all insecurities
And cry whenever sad,
And still manage to have a genuine smile,
to laugh with whenever glad.

I may have a thousand masks,
Masks to hide behind.
I want you to see the real me,
The one crying inside.

Okay, so I just made this poem a while ago during CWTS. What!? I was bored!

Ahem, as some of you may know, I am very ill right now (sick just isn't the word). I predict I will have a fever tomorrow and probably lose my voice until Monday. A cause for celebration for my friends...

Anyway, this illness made me realize something important. "Don't worry. No matter how tough life gets, someone else has it worse," (or something like that). That's how people comfort themselves or others whenever they're having a hard time.

I hadn't been able to sleep well last night. I kept on coughing and coughing. It was very difficult and I envied my little brother, who was snoring loudly beside me. Later on, although I'm not sure if I fell asleep or not, my senses came back and I decided to take some medicine in the bathroom. after walking inside and turning on the light, I caught a glimpse of the time, which was exactly 3:00 (the time when Emily was possessed in the show, Exorcism of Emily Rose). Not that it came to my mind back then, I just wanted to share it to you.

Anyway, going back to the topic, when our maid woke me up on 7:20 am, I felt worse than ever. I then remembered the saying about someone having it worse than I do. I didn't like that feeling. I just felt then that I wish I was the only person suffering that much. If I was in so much pain, I just can't imagine being happy because someone else is suffering more. It wasn't right.

The lesson I want to share to the people reading this blog of mine, including myself, is that whenever you're having a difficult time, hope that no one else is suffering as much or more than you are instead of wishing for the contrary.

I'm getting tired. That's it for now. Catch ya later! ^^

True Happiness/Sorrow

True Happiness/Sorrow

Without experiencing true sorrow, you will not be able to experience true happiness. That is the balance of life. It works for love, satisfaction, and many other emotions as well.

What made me write this things? For one thing, it is to remind myself and whoever is reading this that no matter how bad things go, everything will work out fine in the end. After experiencing true sorrow and pain, you will be able to find true happiness.

Just a while ago, I was surfing around the net trying to find my blog in the search engines (Hey, I was bored! Yeah yeah, I know I have a lot to do but I don't care). It was just for fun. However, I found a lot of other blogs aside from my own. I found a lot of stories about other people and after reading them, I was surprised how lucky I am to still have everything intact. I also commented on some of them ^^. Another surprising thing was when I saw a person change after reading the comments on his blog. Won't it be fun if we could help them out by showing them to the path to true happiness?

The moment you lost was the moment you gave up...

That's it for now... Catch ya later ^^